so, remember when i said i would write a blog every week?
eh.
i suck.
sorry?
so this is totally for you jenn.
1. i crave chocolate chip cookies and thai food every single day. for real. every day. it's awful (and completely ridiculous) because johnson city doesn't really have very good thai food. but the heavens love me because it does have my favorite cookie cake place. mmmhmm. thank you cookie cake gods.
2. my newest music fix is john lennon. "imagine" hooked me. for real cliche...but sometimes things are cliche for a reason...because they are really that good.
3. the only thing that i truly want to do with my life beyond all else, is travel to the dirtiest, poorest place on this earth. live there and show the children who have been abandoned, abused and broken, that there is Hope. communicate Love, the only Love, to them. that they are worth more than what can be taken from their bruised bodies. that's it.
4. did i mention that i love thai food and chocolate chip cookies?
5. there is nothing like dirtbiking down a muddy country road in the rain on a windy day.
mmm such a good feeling.
6. i readily admit that i am "misadventure prone" (my made-up pc term which actually just means that sometimes i just stop thinking and get into ridiculous situations or just accident prone). i can't help it. whatever. makes life exciting right?
7. my nephews are the cutest.
ever.
love you!

"I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky.
I think about it every night and day,
spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar".

Normally I dismiss this song as maudlin sentiment. People today take themselves too seriously. The phrases, PC, self-esteem, self-actualization, individualized learning styles fly around, normally driving me crazy.
Yet this same song brought tears to my eyes last Saturday night. I listened as a homeless man named Stephen sang. Stephen sang of his hope. His hope that someday there would be no more homeless. That someday there would be no more orphans. Someday he would no longer tread the streets in the night, hearing the groan of humanity, the derision of the privileged, searching for a place to lay his head. Someday.
I don't think I'll ever hear this song again without thinking of that night, sitting on the pavement outside a bar as I listened to a man named Stephen.

So last night my roommate and I were watching a show on TLC. This woman was getting ready to go to a wedding with her husband and she told him that she wanted him to wait. She went to try on the three dresses she was deciding between and wanted his opinion. She tried on two dresses, then said, now which one? He said....mmmm, I like them both. She then went to try on another dress asking again...which one. He repeated that he liked them all. She made him pick a favorite then replied I'm just going to take them all.
Cracking up with laughter, my roommate and I could only have the grace to be ashamed for the female race. This scene was way too familiar. We are complicated.
We have no idea what we want. BUT....
we want you to tell us what you want, then completely disregard that.
This is one example of thousands.
I'm immensely grateful to be a girl. God definitely knew what He was doing.
I would probably be celibate if I were a guy.
girls.
are complicated.

getting older is a funny thing, you desperately want it, seeing the "freedom" which it holds, anger at your youthful restrictions, and feeling your immaturity. when it finally begins to arrive, it arrives with a vengeance and you realize that the wishing was futile, wasteful. now is precious. wherever in life you are. now is beauty. getting older is rather irreversible. it can't be changed, slowed or stopped.
one thing that really struck me is the obsession of youth with beauty.
the physical is of such importance when one is young. spending untold amounts of money, hours upon hours striving for the hollow satisfaction of the world's standard of beauty. now i look around at those beyond their teens, twenties, thirties and I see wrinkles, gray strands, bent backs. Beautiful in their own right, but according to society, no beauty is to be found. that which we strive for is so fleeting. yet as a teen physical appearance was of the utmost value, determining even your social status. sad.
this video shows the mirage we spent our lives pursuing.

jenn! i'm sorry i haven't updated for so long. in about two weeks!
so.
hello!
life has just been rather...intense these past few weeks. each day these past two weeks i have been forced to say, God I cannot do this. i cannot do this. i need you Jesus. i just need you. you know what? sometimes that is so beneficial. i can't face tomorrow without the Lord. he is faithful and stumbling along in my foolishness, he teaches me to take life one day at a time. no worrying about tomorrow, next year, could haves, in case ofs, what ifs...none. i can't control anything so there is no sense in trying.
we have fall break in a few days and I couldn't be any more prepared to leave milligan.
really i just want to relax and eat thai food. maybe have a margarita. mmmm...
God is good.

this past Friday i started working at Girls Inc. it's an after school program primarily designed for girls, but my specific site works with both genders.
let me tell you... there are some precious children at this school. this five year old boy led me to the realization that someday i want a curly, mop-headed little boy. you know those boys...the ones with the floppy big head of curly hair. So cute. or i'll just take will smith's little boy in pursuit of happyness, that may require a leetle more work and a few years in a state pen...well a girl's got to do...
this job is actually going to require some outside work which is a little bit discouraging. i have to teach a couple classes, design some lessons for them. i'm really hoping it doesn't take up too much time. i don't want to be stressed out because of a part time job. but you know what? i'm glad to have this job. tutoring kids is something which i actually enjoy, so getting paid for it? amazing.
one thing that's rather hilarious- i have to teach a sports class to the boys. there are only three girls working at this specific program and the other two don't really like sports. i actually enjoy sports so i'm actually probably the best choice. which is hilarious. oh geez.

So I don't really remember when the weekly blog update had been decided. Nevertheless, I'll start now.
So I'm watching Into the Wild [finally] now. and I'm reading the book next. I normally read books before the watching the movie, not as a principle, it simply happens that way. But my friend Phil said don't watch the movie first, you'll be disappointed with the movie after the book. This way, the movie will be great and the book will just be even better. I never considered this. Thanks Phil.
books.
I could speak forever about books, ones worth reading, ones which failed to live up to my expectations, ones I could barely slough through, ones which changed my life, ones which made my life.
having no television in our home growing up was sometimes difficult as a child in the public school system. it's a hard thing to be different as a child. but this difference was more than made up for with the hours spent outdoors with my brothers and sister, the thousands of stories i devoured all the day long.
it was worth it.

The time has come. due dates. 5:30 am wake up calls. miles upon miles of reading. thousands [literally] of nclex questions. the persistent anxiousness of nursing students. making beds, washing bodies, inserting tubes, cleaning indecipherable body fluids.
nursing school has returned to my life.
eh.
this year [yes only three weeks in length, but seemingly longer] has been relatively good. some sadness, some drama, some confusion, but such is life and i know that it will continue throughout the year. i have some trepidation, some excitement, some fear, some heartache, some longing.
but above all i have the hope, the life, the joy, beauty, the constancy, and faithfulness of Jesus Christ here with me now and evermore.
no personal failure too great which He cannot overcome.
no relationship too broken which He cannot mend.
no test too challenging which He cannot aid.
no desire too overpowering which He is not sweeter still.
so hey. bring it on.

going to europe was such a precious time for me. not because of the masterpieces i experienced, the scenery i imbibed, the people i loved, as amazing as they were. going to europe simply refreshed my perspective. the sole reason i am going through the absolute joy that nursing school tends to be, is because of the calling of God upon my life, the passion and dream of my life.
there are millions of children in this world. dirty, abandoned, betrayed. their lives a mockery to the human race. children who must commit unspeakable, disgusting acts simply to put food into their mouths. to debase themselves to such a level that people no longer see them as humans, simply to live see another sunrise. what has become of this world?
God is their justice. He will one day wipe away all tears from their eyes. this is my hope. this is my dream, my ambition. that i will go somewhere in this hell of a world and hold a child in my arms and let them know, there is One who knows their name. There is One who loves them beyond all understanding. unbelievable as it may seem.
in europe there was a little boy who thrust his body at me, begging for money, for food. i had nothing to give him and oh.
someday.
someday i will have more.

I just got back from Europe. I loved it!
I saw and experienced things I never dreamed that I would. viewed the actual Rosetta Stone. touched the Eiffel Tower. ate an orange off a street in athens. walked barefoot through the crooked streets of venice. was rained upon in the coliseum. and....
played air band at a Hitler Youth amphitheater in Germany.
visited the birthplace of my man Sherlock on Bakers Street.
threw coins in the Trevi Fountain at Rome.
wore this awesome outfit into a salt mine in Austria
played in the water fountains at the Louvre in Paris.

It was amazing.

look at m college. isn't it neat?

all of the land, so pretty and sweet.

with miles of grass green as can be.

stately brick buildings to impress you and me

all of the students teeming with life

eager for learning, finding husbands and wives

now look at the gregory center new and pristine

it's walls and halls pure and clean

look out front and maybe you'll see

the huge marble rock, white as can be

a rock upon which the words of John reside

The words of humble Jesus displayed with pride

a rock, merely $10,000 in price

Oh no. A lowly $5000 would never suffice.

Never mind the words of Jesus the Meek

Warning to never forget the oppressed and the weak

It surely must be a joke those who say

That 50% of the world lives on less than $1/day

I see no children starving on the street of Roan

I see no injustice I hear no moans

For indeed we have the Scriptures carved upon

Our duty is done, our responsibility gone

Come! Let us leave this rock

And of far more pleasant things we shall talk.

Smell the blooming flowers, fragrant and sweet.

Look at our buildings, so tall and neat.

Sorry Jenn. I love you and this is why I'm updating.
Life is grand...you know...lovely and all that.
I am oh so ready for school to be done with for the semester. While I'm really enjoying clinicals...crazy as that is...I'm done. Nursing school is hard. It just is. I found that I am surprisingly enjoying myself. I don't know how or why. However I'm ready to see my family, ready to go to Europe, ready to sleep, ready to see my friends, ready for summer nights. I'm just ready.
It will be over soon.
I love you all.
I wish that I could see you.
Nonetheless.
I love you.

Thirst.

I have realized this semester a strange feeling, one which I have never experienced before. A desire and thirst for knowledge, for learning. Having long viewed the world as a fascinating place, chock full of mystery, I have never quite taken the leap towards a love of all things scholastic. School has always come rather easily for me, as a result I have never be one of those blessed with determination, ambition and a love for knowledge. All due to my own laziness. The humanities course which is a requirement for any student at my school tends to be rather intense. It is a melding, a composite of the history, culture, peoples, art, literature of the past. Classical, Hellenistic, The Allegory of the Cave, humanism, the Golden Age of Democracy, Charlemagne. I love it all.

"I acknowledge and do not deny that you loved me before I existed, and that you love me unspeakably much as one gone mad over your creature...The more I enter you, the more I discover, and the more I discover, the more I seek you. You are insatiable, you in whose depth the soul is sated yet remains always hungry for you, always thirsty for you."
Catherine of Sienna