our song.

Life!

This is my last semester this spring, nursing major (who isn't?). I can't believe that I actually have to be a nurse now. aahh! scary. Not that you should have any lack of confidence in my abilities ;) i will be...WE will be moving to Raleigh/Durham, North Carolina.

We, because...I'm getting married. Crazy right?! Well his name is Travis, which I'm sure facebook could tell you. he's great. he really is. our story... well we met at milligan, my first semester there in fall of '08 (you're getting the WHOLE story, dates and everything. lucky you!) to be honest, my first impression of him was that he was super hot, but a little strange. We became acquaintances, our friend groups were friends. But pretty much from the first moment I met him, he was on the I'm-never-going-to-date-him list. We didn't converse much until that spring semester '09 when we went camping with a group of friends. He was driving alone so I volunteered to ride with him. (No ulterior motives I promise) This is actually when he started to like me. We spent 2 hours in the car getting to know each other, it was nice but I spent the rest of the weekend being annoyed with him. i know right? i'm a great person. anyway, he was quietly interested in me, didn't really tell anyone. he had something going on with another girl, i was distracted by another guy. Both were one of those complicated-we're not dating-you like me-sometimes i like you relationships. Things went on like this until halfway into the next semester, fall of '09, when we started to become much better friends. His "thing" with this other girl was over and mine was ending rather badly. It was around this time that I broke my nose (long story, rugby type game, it's fabulous) and had to have nose surgery back in St. Louis as a result of my insurance. He offered to drive me back to St. Louis, allowing me to study for this wicked nursing class i was in, he went with me to my doctor's appointments, anything to help me out. And i realized, wow, Travis is such a nice guy. Thanksgiving though, is when things really changed. I knew he lived in North Carolina, and I was visiting Jenn and Daniel in Raleigh, so I asked him if he lived anywhere near them. He didn't, but he told me "oh yeah! no problem, I can drive you". We drove up to Raleigh and upon arriving at Jenn's house, he didn't leave right away, staying for an hour, just talking with us. As soon as he left, Jenn, being the loving older sister she is, immediately started questioning me concerning our relationship (apparently she realized what everyone else had, he liked me and I was completely oblivious to the reality of life). "Soo, what's going?!" "Nothing, Jenn" completely incredulous that anyone would question this completely innocent relationship. "I don't understand, do you not find him attractive? is he not nice?" "no he's attractive and he's incredibly nice, I just don't like him" "I don't get it! you two are going to date, fall in love, and get married" Okay crazy! Yet on the way home, I was wondering...could this work? Yet ten minutes into the car ride back to school, I thought, absolutely not. This continued through winter break, do I like him? absolutely not. Until the end of January, I finally admitted it...We began to date, I fell in love, somehow, someway. You always wonder who that mysterious man will be that you will one day marry. It only took me two years, many doubts, and even more questions from people who realized the truth before them to see that it was trav. somehow, he was patient and loving enough to never push me or even ask me on a date until i was ready.

He proposed by taking me back to the places he had on our first date. The last place was an overlook in the mountains, a place I had always secretly loved and the place I even more quietly wanted him to propose to me. He took me there at sunset and proposed.

Somehow God knows me, sees me, and loves me. He's brought me here and it's intimidating standing here, ready to graduate and move, but if there is one thing I know, I know the love of Jesus Christ. That's enough right? Somehow, He will always be more than enough.

what i am loving right now...

chandeliers.

birdcages.

mismatched photos/frames

white with a splash of color.

wow. i am really bad at updating this thing.

so lately.

i have been restless, anxious, a little desperate. this summer, i am home. earlier this year i had begun planning a trip to india. my dream. two months working with girls rescued from the sex trade, living in a home, learning a marketable skill. one which will give them dignity, reclaim their sense of person. and i couldn't/didn't go. i don't know. i can't look back with regret, i can't do anything about it now.
yet now, i am a little desperate. i was so anxious today, looking for an organization (not so much the organization but children, children who need someone, anyone to care) in which i could invest. i feel so unfulfilled, restless, empty.
yet,
i am finding...well, as Christ has so lovingly pointed out, where is the trust in my Saviour? it is far too easy for me to forget that God loves me.
HE loves me.
and because He loves me He has not forgotten about me. He sees me where I am. He has not forgotten about me, leaving me in the desert, in a constant state of being unfulfilled.
so i'll wait. i'll trust Him. He sees what is beyond my vision. He cares beyond my knowledge. He is bigger than my foolishness. He is the Alpha and Omega. He can handle it.

bears all things.
believes all things.
hopes all things.
endures all things.

love

oh how i love 1 cor 13.
i love reading this and attempting to understand how this looks in actual life.
just think about it.
love. hopes all things.
one single attribute.
it is so easy to doubt one another. to arrogantly assume the worst of one another's actions.
but love
it hopes for the best in the other. it always assumes the best. can you imagine what that would look like if we practiced that in our daily lives?
oh love.
it's crazy.
it's beautiful.

so here i am again.
lately i have been thinking quite a bit about judgement, loving people, loving God.
i have been so convicted about how little i love people. i spend so much time sitting back judging people, putting up walls, i don't have time to love them. i use and manipulate people. so many of my relationships are centered around what i can get from them.
and it's just so ugly.
who am i?
when you look at jesus, the love which he displays....oh it's beautiful.
1 cor 13. when you think about each characteristic written- "it always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, always perserveres". oh how beautiful is that? the love defined in this chapter is the love to the fullest which He has for each one of us. for each of us!
he always perseveres.
he always hopes.
he "keeps no record of wrongs"
oh. Lord teach me to love.
teach us to see each other.

so, remember when i said i would write a blog every week?
eh.
i suck.
sorry?
so this is totally for you jenn.
1. i crave chocolate chip cookies and thai food every single day. for real. every day. it's awful (and completely ridiculous) because johnson city doesn't really have very good thai food. but the heavens love me because it does have my favorite cookie cake place. mmmhmm. thank you cookie cake gods.
2. my newest music fix is john lennon. "imagine" hooked me. for real cliche...but sometimes things are cliche for a reason...because they are really that good.
3. the only thing that i truly want to do with my life beyond all else, is travel to the dirtiest, poorest place on this earth. live there and show the children who have been abandoned, abused and broken, that there is Hope. communicate Love, the only Love, to them. that they are worth more than what can be taken from their bruised bodies. that's it.
4. did i mention that i love thai food and chocolate chip cookies?
5. there is nothing like dirtbiking down a muddy country road in the rain on a windy day.
mmm such a good feeling.
6. i readily admit that i am "misadventure prone" (my made-up pc term which actually just means that sometimes i just stop thinking and get into ridiculous situations or just accident prone). i can't help it. whatever. makes life exciting right?
7. my nephews are the cutest.
ever.
love you!

"I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky.
I think about it every night and day,
spread my wings and fly away.
I believe I can soar".

Normally I dismiss this song as maudlin sentiment. People today take themselves too seriously. The phrases, PC, self-esteem, self-actualization, individualized learning styles fly around, normally driving me crazy.
Yet this same song brought tears to my eyes last Saturday night. I listened as a homeless man named Stephen sang. Stephen sang of his hope. His hope that someday there would be no more homeless. That someday there would be no more orphans. Someday he would no longer tread the streets in the night, hearing the groan of humanity, the derision of the privileged, searching for a place to lay his head. Someday.
I don't think I'll ever hear this song again without thinking of that night, sitting on the pavement outside a bar as I listened to a man named Stephen.