life can be tiring at times. draining. this break has left me with a multitude of emotions. it has been "the best of times; the worst of times".
relaxation has been nice. there is no joy as in the knowledge of a complete lack of nursing classes on a monday morning at 8 am or cramming for yet another humanities exam. freedom.
family has been rather nice as well.
food per usual has been fantastic.
i have learned so much about how to treat people, my own vanity, the perspective of love which God has showered upon us. it's an exceedingly difficult thing to love those who reject you, humiliating. but what joy to be drawn deeper into the immense love of God as a result.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving.
And for Christmas break for that matter. I can't wait to see you Jenn!
But,
I really love it here. Really love it. The entire process, the culture and attitude of the students here have been...erm, challenging.
God has provided above and beyond anything I could have imagined here. Friendships, mountaintops, accents, Motos, the list continues. The mountains, gorgeous. You have no idea the sunsets I see every night.
I still miss STL I just don't think about it every day.
but Bee, I can't wait for Qdoba over Thanksgiving...hopefully. at least over winter break.
I'm watching Tyra (America's Next Top Model, but I call it Tyra because it is really all about Tyra Banks.) and they are so dramatic. But the show is still awesome, I'm not gonna lie.

Only God can Judge.

Abortion.
What a heated topic. The conservative faction of our country invests millions of dollars opposing it, the liberal, millions of dollars supporting it. There are even some for whom this is the only subject for debate, the only standard by which to judge our (soon to be) elected representatives. If they aren't pro-life, then they aren't happenin'. Looking at pictures of a child in a mother's womb, the thought of abortion makes me sick. If a pregnant mother were killed, the murderer would face two counts of murder. Yet if the mother wants that baby gone, it's "her right". What hypocrisy. I saw a shirt the other day reading "If we killed it with a gun would it make a difference?" a gruesome, yet revealing thought.
However for those who believe that pro-life is the ONLY issue, the lives of those in the womb is the only one worth fighting for... what about the lives of the ones killed in warfare? Those nameless children in Iraq are children nonetheless, those brave American and dare I say it...Iraqi soldiers are sons and daughters who will never come home for Christmas. Some say that you can't be a Christian and vote against life and if we're being recklessly honest, you can't vote Democrat. Well I ask how is it that you can be so vehement and righteous for the sake of one life and yet care nothing for those innocents who fall due to warfare? Because you cannot see their faces. Foolishness. Absolute foolishness. Who are we to decide who lives- and who dies.

Home is where the <3 is.

So My new residence is:
Hannah Dodorico Milligan College, Tennessee....etc...or is it ect... I can never remember.
I'm now a resident of Tennessee, can you believe it?
I really think that Tennessee is THE most random state I could live in. I have never met anyone from Tennessee before this.
But it's gorgeous country. I love walking down the hills and gazing at the mountains. Love, love, love.
And the accents....WHEW! so precious. I know that I'm going to have one by the time I come home for Thanksgiving. It's been a grand total of one week and I can already feel it creeping in. I'm completely not fighting it.
It's been completely overwhelming, just way out of my element, however I'm really starting to enjoy being here. I know it's only been one week, but I have met some incredible girls.
I miss you all back home though. I can't believe that Isaiah will be walking by the time I see him next. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I love you all.

Hosanna,

Overwhelmed with my sin tonight, one of those moments where my foolishness had left me in the depths of despair, despair at my seemingly neverending sin nature, I opened Watchman Nee's book, The Normal Christian Life. And it seemed as if our gracious Father had dropped these words of solace into my lap, to soothe my stricken heart.
"the sense of sin and guilt can become so great, so terrible as almost to cripple us, by causing us to lose sight of the true effectiveness of the Blood. It seems to us that our sins are so real, and some particular sin may trouble us so many times, that we come to the point where to us our sins loom larger than the Blood of Christ.... I may be mistaken, but I feel very strongly that some of us are thinking in terms such as these: 'Today I have been a little more careful; today I have been reading the Word of God in a warmer way, so today I can pray better."
Oh. How long have I struggled with this. SO much of the time, unknowingly. My approach to God has to be based upon the Blood, for its value has been declared by the Lord God Himself. My approach must not be based upon my "spiritual performance" of the day. That is not the basis upon which we come before Him. No. we come in boldness for He has imbued the Blood with this validation. Oh what FREEDOM! Oh blessed liberty.
If you can grasp hold of this thought despite my rambling, you will be blessed.

Frustration:

Gas prices went up 15 cents...surely the United States has people intelligent enough to do something about this. If we can invent a toilet that plays a video game and requires shooting streams of pee at the enemy space jets- then surely.
Milligan restructured their humanities department... which means they suddenly changed my requirements from three years to four. Another year, another $24 grand, another day spent away from where I want to be. It could have been avoided. They told me it would take me three years and then Mrs. Collins sent me an e-mail saying it will now take four unless you take summer classes. She told me this a week ago. Summer registration for classes closed forever ago. No apology, no how can we make this work, just this is what you have to do. Never mind the time in which she told me made it impossible.
I'm frustrated.
with more.
I'm going to stop however...take a deep breath....one, two, three... God is in control.

I'm such a fabulously, consistent bloggerer...er?

I had my last tutoring day, night-really last everything for North City last Tuesday, ...and it's "too late to 'pologize, it's too late." errr...moving on.

Here's some fantastic pictures....done by...(dun-dun-dun) yours truly. I know, I know. all stand in awe....donations are accepted. I can't even convey all that I have learned as a result of living down in the city. I began to see the beauty of life and the complexity of the issues surrounding the city, racism and poverty. Immeasurably blessed as a result of these people with whom I have lived and served with, these kids whom have been beaten down by life over and over again, yet can still find it in their hearts to love a foolish girl from the suburbs. Thank you Lord.   

 

I'm confused. Pray for me please.

But God is good. So wondrously, fantastically, good. So I trust Him.

....

I'm so bored.
And I just figured out how to download the pictures from my phone to here... amazing.
so here you go.
Uh-oh. Mom is smuggling. She's a smuggler...what a funny word. smuggler.
What an adorable baby. Good work Becks.
Hahaha! I go to a small Christian college...Voila.
This is Bob.
I really love Bob.
I love sunsets as well.
And I love these two.


Now that I have figured this awesomeness out, be prepared.

the loneliness.

I feel like I should warn you that a lot of my entries will be about the ghetto, the poor. This is where I am living. These are the issues that I am concerned with. I guess I feel that my entries should be happier, less troublesome. But that's not what is going on in my life. It seems that the things which are going on in my life right now are things full of sadness, full of burdens. Thank God that in Him is found hope. My only hope.
Did you know...
that the word "ghetto" means loneliness?
how fitting.

It’s called “the loneliness”

A more apt name not to be found.

A loneliness brought about by hardness

Of souls and guns

Brought about by weakness

Of the children’s fathers and the governing forces

A loneliness brought by a lack of education

Of the church members in their pews and the youth who drop out

Brought about by fear

Of “the loneliness” itself and of losing what’s theirs

A loneliness brought about by disrepair

Of the decrepit buildings and the system

Brought about by us.

By you and I.

Let the children not be lonely anymore

The ghetto.

“The loneliness”

A woman named Nika.

Some of you may know that I live in the inner city as part of a program for my school, the Walden Park, Mark Twain neighborhood to be specific. The neighborhood itself had the most murders in the entire city of St. Louis last year, the people here are crying out for hope. Five of us college students live on this beautiful old Catholic compound, complete with a school, house, convent and breathtaking sanctuary. It's really an incredible opportunity to live among the people I have been called to serve.
Anyway today while we were eating lunch, we heard a knock at the door. It turned out to be this adorable bubbly woman named Nika who needed some "personal girl things". Hearing this, the guys awkwardly turned her over to me and my friend Haley. We gave her the basic sanitation needs, toothpaste, toothbrush, tampons, deod. etc... Thanking us profusely for everything, she put everything into a black trash bag and slung it over her shoulder. As we stood there I was struck by that image, this black trash bag and this woman. This black trash bag. That was all that she had in the world. Everything. And she was grateful. No home, no stability, security, no place to rest. Just this black trash bag.
That's why I'm here.

Does anyone want

I dunno. I just don't know.
I hate making decisions like these.
where should I go to school, when should I go. Is this what I really should be doing. Is this really what God wants me to be doing? Maybe I should just flip a coin ya know?
all right it's decided. I'll flip this sad little 1972 penny.
Heads I go to Milligan this fall.
Tails I go sleep in a box in China.....
bummer. cardboard it is.

Life is Exciting.

Life is exciting. I'm just wondering where life is going to take me, where God is going to lead. Vast, with endless possibilities, the world is before me. Not to say that I have these grand visions for my life, I don't. It's simply that there are so many cultures to taste, so many personalities to meet, sunsets to drink in, changes to happen. I want to experience so many things, dive into life. And beyond all this, I have the blessed promise of the presence of God Almighty. How wonderful. Beyond words.